I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize