I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
