I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
