i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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