The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize