i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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