I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
