I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
