All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
birth control should be required to get into college
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
