apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
