I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
