I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
