you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
