He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
