so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Two words: blizzard sex
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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