Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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