my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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