your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
