Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
