do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Randomize