just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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