Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
