Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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