I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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