my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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