I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
