Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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