I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
