i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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