Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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