My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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