i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
the condom got lost in my hair
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
