I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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