I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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