I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
