I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
