A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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