I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
