I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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