she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
