I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
