is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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