Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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