Already got asked if we're dating
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
