My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
