The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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