While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
