so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
