You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
