Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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