Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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