so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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