I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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