cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize