just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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