my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
