I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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