What did we do last night that was yellow?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
