Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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