i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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