I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
