i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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