Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There's always time for handjobs
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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