We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
