I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
