My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize